I just need to rant and feel bad for myself for like 5 seconds and I’m typing this on my phone so I can’t insert a read more so if you don’t want to read it all then just keep on scrolling.
I’m just tired having to be strong and need to just breakdown. I always knew there was something else wrong and I’m finally taking the steps and its fucking terrifying. I don’t know what normal feels like. I don’t know what it’s like to wake up and not physically hurt or ache or not feel sick. I’ve only just started this search and I’ve got a lot left to go through. I’ve only had bloodwork which for the most part is normal. Which is great, autoimmune might not be my issue. But what is? Why my body chronically tense up and feel like it’s collapsing in because my muscles are so tight. Why do I have a headache every day? Why do my shoulders and hips pop but nothing else does? I know MRIs and ultrasounds or X-rays are to come. That scares me. I’ll probably have muscle biopsies too.
And that’s only the half of it. The other part is my high cortisol level. It was off in 2009 and it was high this month and my retest will be high too. So that means either my pituitary gland is off or my adrenals are off. Which basically means I could have a benign tumor in my brain or something could be wrong with kidneys. Do you know what it’s like to think that everyday and not know because you have to wait for a doctors appointment? It’s terrifying. I was super fortunate to get in to my rheumatologist in a day with my follow up in 5 weeks…
I keep trying to look at the bright side: I’m not bed bound by pain. I’m able to get through my day. I may not have an autoimmune disease. But it’s hard to stay positive when you just want to know and no amount of Internet research can help put all your puzzle pieces together.
I really need to get off the feel bad for yourself bus but it’s really hard. It’s like the floor is covered in oil and I keep slipping when I try to get up.
If you read all this, thanks for caring or for enjoying drama in my life. I’m going to try to stop being so negative. It’s also hard when you’re getting period (am I right, ladies?) sooo I’ll be eating all of the chocolate until then.